Setting Boundaries – The Ultimate Guide

Contents

• Chapter 1 – What Are Boundaries?
• Chapter 2 – The Must-Have Boundaries
• Chapter 3 – Setting Boundaries Can Be Difficult
• Chapter 4 – Setting Boundaries The Right Way
• Chapter 5 – You, The Enforcer
• Chapter 6 – Dating Boundaries
• Chapter 7 – Family Boundaries
• Chapter 8 – Work Boundaries
• Chapter 9 – Boundaries For You
• Chapter 10 – Do This When You Get Resistance
• BONUS Chapter – Are My Boundaries Successful?

The Imaginary Lines Boundaries Create

Personal boundaries inform others on what your expectations are for how they should treat you. 

They’re the imaginary lines that separate your needs from someone else’s needs. There are many types, and each one of them is indicative of having healthy and happy relationships with those around you. 

Without setting boundaries, people may take advantage of you or make you feel badly or uncomfortably.

Internal And External Boundaries

What Are External Boundaries?

External boundaries are what separate you from other people, the specific constructs you create to determine what is and is not okay in your relationships.

Think of external boundaries as guidelines that govern the way you interact with the world around you.

What Are Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries are between you and you. They help you regulate the relationship you have with yourself. 

Think of internal boundaries as self-discipline. They empower you to follow through on commitments you make to yourself. For example, an internal boundary would be to take time for you in the morning by creating a morning routine.

What Influences Our Boundaries?

Common boundary influencers

• Our beliefs and opinions
• Our heritage and culture
• Our personality type
• The geographic location where we come from
• Our life experiences and social learning
• Our upbringing and family dynamics

Setting boundaries helps define who you are and what your role during each moment of your life is. If we let the various roles in our lives overlap and overrun their boundaries, confusion and chaos can reign³.

Boundaries are key to having happy and successful relationships with other people.

Why Do I Need Healthy Boundaries?

The most important reasons why:

Be Your Most Authentic Self

When you create and enforce boundaries, you draw an invisible line between you and another person.

You become a unique individual who is separate from everyone else.

This allows you to have your feelings, make your own decisions, and know what you need without trying to please others. 

Treat Yourself to Self-Care

One of the most important aspects of self-care is valuing and respecting your own needs and feelings.

Creating boundaries respectfully puts your needs and emotions above the needs and emotions of someone else. 

As a result, you focus on yourself instead of worrying about what someone else wants from you.

Boundaries Set Realistic Expectations With Clear Directions

Whenever you set a boundary, you and the other party involved become explicitly aware of what is expected of each other.

You’ll create relationships with realistic expectations and clear directions.

Normally, people behave correctly when they know what is expected of them. It’s your job to provide clear directions that all parties can respect.

Boundaries protect you emotionally and physically

One of the most important reasons that you should set limits is that they protect you emotionally and physically. The reason for this is that boundaries tell you how you should be treated.

If someone repeatedly breaks your boundaries, whether they be emotional or physical, you immediately know that that person does not care about you and your feelings. 

Neglecting to create, or allowing others to overstep your boundaries causes your body harmful stress. 

Become keenly aware of who you should let into your life and who you should avoid. This allows you to protect yourself from stressful situations.

Let’s learn about the different types in the next chapter.

The 6 Distinct Boundaries

Here are the distinct types of boundaries that interact with different parts of your life and wellbeing.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries relate to physical objects such as money, clothes, books, a hairbrush, or anything else that is a physical object you own. 

Material limits you set are expectations of how you and the other party should act whenever material objects are borrowed, sold, or jointly shared. 

These are important so that friendships and relationships are not ruined over material objects. 

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries relate to your personal space, privacy, and body. They set rules for how you and another party should interact in a physical relationship. 

Physical boundaries can range from:

• Giving a handshake versus a hug
• When you expect a borrowed item to be returned
• How loud your roommate plays their music 

They are different from sexual boundaries, which will be discussed later.

Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries are personal and with yourself, relating to what you believe and think. They determine how you let other people affect your thoughts and beliefs.

Mental boundaries relate to your:

• Thoughts, values, and opinions
• How gullible you are
• What you believe
• Listening to other people’s opinions

For example, they are what help you not get too angry when someone disagrees with you.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries relate to your feelings and emotions; they separate your feelings and emotions from someone else’s feelings and emotions.

Having good emotional boundaries allow you to:

• Feel your own emotions
• Take responsibility for your emotions

Emotional boundaries are often with yourself because they require you to know your emotions and take responsibility for them.

Sexual Boundaries

Sexual boundaries have to do with your comfort level relating to sexual touch and activity. They can help you to determine what, where, when, and with whom you are comfortable having sexual interactions. 

These should always be implemented and respected in sexual or flirtatious settings.

Spiritual Boundaries

Spiritual boundaries relate to your belief and experiences with God or some other higher power.

They often only relate to yourself and the higher power. They can also relate to how you interact with people who have different spiritual ideas than you.

Find out in chapter 3 why it can sometimes be difficult to set a boundary.

Why Setting Personal Boundaries Can Be Hard

Many people find setting boundaries to be difficult. The reason for this is that for them to work, you must be willing to tell someone who has crossed a boundary that they are in the wrong. 

In other words, you must be able to stand up for yourself and confront another person.

Speaking up for yourself will likely feel uncomfortable at first. Be respectful and true to yourself and others and you will be fine. Positive self-talk can be very beneficial here.

People with codependent tendencies have an extra tough time setting boundaries.

Here’s why: 

Boundaries Require You To Put Yourself First

When you set boundaries, you put your needs and wants above another party’s needs and wants.

This can be difficult if you are a people-pleaser or are desperate for love because it may cause the other person to become angry or irritated with you.

Boundaries Require You To Know Yourself

Setting boundaries require a keen knowledge of yourself. You must know what you like and what you expect from yourself and others. 

If your perception of yourself is clouded or unclear, it will be extremely difficult to set and implement effective boundaries that reflect your needs and wants. 

Self-confident people know they have a right to control their own space, distance, and touching⁴.

Boundaries Require You To Feel Like You Have Rights

Setting boundaries means that you feel that you have the right to be treated a certain way. For insecure people, feeling they have the right to be respected doesn’t come naturally.

As a result, setting boundaries can be difficult because you feel as though you are not entitled to the treatment that you want and need. You feel inferior to it.

Fear That Boundaries Jeopardize The Relationship

Many people think that setting boundaries will destroy relationships.

As a result, enforcing boundaries will be difficult out of fear of losing someone that you love or admire. 

Of course, it is important to remember that losing someone who refuses to respect your boundaries is not a loss.

Setting Healthy Boundaries Takes Practice

Just like anything else, setting boundaries requires practice.

If you have never set a boundary before, setting them for the first time can be very difficult, but it gets easier with time. 

Though boundaries can be difficult to set and enforce, it is important to do the hard work so that you have a healthier relationship with yourself and others.

Read on to Chapter 4 and find out how to set ones that last.

How To Set Boundaries In Your Life

Just like anything else in life, creating boundaries takes practice. Take the first step and get in the habit of creating and implementing appropriate boundaries.

Have A Firm Foundation

Your goal should be to better respect yourself and help other people respect you; boundaries are meant to keep you and your relationships happy and healthy. 

They are not about controlling or nagging the other person. Instead, they will probably be harmful and infringe on other people’s boundaries. 

Never create a boundary to control or constrain those around you.

In contrast, implement ones that ensure healthy relationships. 

Whenever you set a boundary, make sure that it relates to the overall purpose of respecting yourself and others.

Defining Your Boundaries

Now it’s time to define the nuts and bolts, then you can communicate your new limits with those around you. Clear communication of your new limits will help prevent you from feeling stressed and overwhelmed in the future.

First, take the time to acknowledge what your rights are. Here are some basic rights to remember when you are setting a boundary:

• To create healthy boundaries
• To inform others of your boundaries
• To reject unreasonable expectations
• To confidently say no without feeling guilty
• To not explain yourself
• To be treated with respect
• To make mistakes and learn from them 
• To forgive yourself
• To a trustworthy relationship
• To make your needs as important as others 

Need more inspiration? Check out My Personal Bill of Rights for a long list of fantastic rights to help you get your list going!

It’s important to identify your rights and choose why you believe in them. It allows you to honor your emotions and needs more truthfully.

Stop wasting time trying to please others and focus on yourself instead.

Identify Your Most Important Values

Identify your 10 most important values in life. Without knowing your values, you will not be able to act in a way that is respectful to yourself and others. 

If you need to, you can narrow the 10 most important values down into a smaller batch made of 5 or 3 values.

As you think about your values in life, also think about how and when they are challenged or provoked in any way.

Does a close friend or family member do something that makes you feel uncomfortable regarding your values? If so, you likely need to create a boundary about that value specifically.

As you start developing your list of rights and values, begin to pay attention to how you feel when you interact with other people. 

• Are there certain scenarios that make you feel uncomfortable? 
• Does a certain person make you feel bad regularly? 
• Do you feel stressed in certain social scenarios? 

Paying attention to these instances will inform you of what areas to focus on when setting a boundary.

Learning through trial and error will help you identify unrealistic or nonrelevant boundaries. Do they line up with your true values and needs? Are they moving you towards your goals? If not, adjust them accordingly.

Now that you know how to set a boundary, let’s find out how to enforce them.

Verbally Express Your Boundaries

Begin by enforcing your boundaries by verbally expressing them to other people. 

My experience suggests that over 70 percent of our communication is either messed up or misunderstood, meaning that we communicate at a 30 percent efficiency rate⁴.

Bauer, C. (2007)

When you express them, make sure that you are assertive but kind. You don’t need to be aggressive or harsh, but you need to use assertive language so that way your new limits can’t be ignored.

Use “I” Statements

You can be more assertive by using “I” statements. “I” statements are when you focus on how you feel instead of the other party. It makes the statement more assertive and less passive. 

For example, say “I feel overwhelmed when…” instead of “You make me feel overwhelmed when you…” 

This sentence structure puts the focus on you more clearly and confidently. At the same time, it takes the blame off the other party, which makes them less likely to get defensive.

State Potential Consequences

Consider telling the other party of the consequences of violating your boundaries. This lets them know that the boundary is serious and that their actions come with consequences. 

When stating potential consequences, make sure that you can follow through. Never say a consequence that you are not willing to enforce.

Being Able To Say “No”

A healthy part of enforcing a boundary is being able to say no. 

Whenever someone asks you to do something that you are uncomfortable with or that you do not have enough time to complete, say no. You do not have to give an explanation or apology.

Just say no.

Respectful And Efficient Boundaries

When your boundaries are weak, you attract needy, disrespectful people⁴. 

Boundary Exercises

When you set boundaries, you’re communicating to others how you expect to be treated.

Verywellhealth.com suggests a few exercises that can help when you feel tongue-tied:

For boundaries to be effective, it is important to set them in a way that is respectful and efficient. Remember that they are meant to create healthy relationships, not control another person.

Let’s see what boundaries in dating looks like in chapter 6

How To Set Healthy Boundaries When Dating

The modern dating world can be confusing and exciting. Everyone is looking for love, but not everyone has the same expectations.

The goal of boundaries in dating is to create healthy limits and interactions in a romantic relationship. They allow you and the other party to have your own needs, space, individuality, and health. They also allow you to know when a person is a good romantic partner.

Make sure to come with, express, and enforce non-negotiables early on in a relationship.

Come With Non-Negotiables

It’s important to have a list of non-negotiables beforehand when dating; things that you need for a relationship to work. 

Non-negotiables should be expressed at the beginning of any relationship. This puts both parties on the same page and capable of respecting one another properly. If the non-negotiables are breached or not respected by the other person, you should immediately cut them off.

Think about things that you need in a relationship.

Some questions to help pinpoint your non-negotiables

• What do you need to feel emotionally and physically safe with another person? 
• Are there things that you will never be okay with if they are done by your partner? 
• How do you expect the other person to behave in the presence of other men and women? 

It’s important to express non-negotiables clearly and explicitly with your partner. If they are unaware of the non-negotiables, they may accidentally break your boundary and your trust without ever knowing that they did anything wrong. 

If the person you are dating is not okay with your non-negotiables, be prepared to walk. Do not make exceptions for your non-negotiables. That is why they are called non-negotiables. 

Any person that is not willing to respect your non-negotiables is not someone you should be dating. If the person agrees to your non-negotiables but then breaks them, break up with them. They do not respect your needs and wants.

Only date people willing to abide by your non-negotiables.

Take Time Apart

Dating someone is fun and exciting, making it easy to want to spend all your time with them. For the sake of your and the other person’s health though, it is important to take time apart from one another. 

Taking Time Apart

• Allows time to decide what is important in the relationship
• Gives you time to sort out your feelings for each other
• Ensures that you keep your hobbies and friends

Never Taking Time Apart

• You may lose touch with other people in your life
• Never have the time to do what fuels your tank
• You don’t know how you are feeling about the situation 

For example, perhaps set one day a week where you hang out with your friends or loved ones without the person you are dating. This ensures that you do not accidentally cut off the other people who are important in your life while infatuated with someone else.

Expressing Yourself In A Relationship

Know-how and where to express yourself and your boundaries with your partner. 

Boundaries are meant to help you and the other party have a healthy relationship. Never have a difficult or emotional conversation in a way or place that makes the other person feel uncomfortable or attacked. 

For intimate discussions, it may be best to go to a private place so that other people do not overhear the conversation. Perhaps consider a park or somewhere else that is secluded. If you are comfortable, you could have serious and private conversations in one of your homes. 

For many conversations though, it is important to pick a neutral location so that neither individual feels as though they have a home advantage. Places like coffee shops, parks, or restaurants are good neutral places to have civil conversations. 

It is best to have serious conversations at an agreed-upon time. This ensures that both parties are fully levelheaded and prepared for the conversation. Do not just call up the other person and start ranting about your feelings. This will immediately set the other party on the defense, especially if they are busy or with other people.

Listen To Your Partner’s Needs

Dating involves more than just you. Your partner has boundaries and needs as well.

It’s important that your partner feels heard and respected for the relationship to last. Make sure to listen and respect their limits as well. If you find that your and your partner’s boundaries are similar and work well together, then that is great.

At some point though, you may find that your boundaries conflict. If this is the case, do not immediately panic. As we previously said, they can be flexible. See if there are ways for your boundaries to be flexible and negotiate with the other person.

The only boundaries that should not be flexible are the non-negotiable ones. 

Time to talk about boundaries in your family.

For many people, dating is no longer a part of their life. Instead, they are married and have children. Boundaries are equally as important within the family though.

Marriage can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding relationships with another person. As a result, it is imperative to have healthy limits so that you and your spouse both feel appreciated and respected.

Boundaries With Your Spouse/Significant Other

Individuality Boundaries

When setting boundaries in your marriage, it is important to have ones that preserve each other’s individuality.

When you are living with someone, it is easy to lose yourself and feel like another part of that person. To prevent this from happening, set boundaries that relate to time apart, and use that time with other people or doing hobbies that you love by yourself.

Do you have a passion or hobby that you often don’t have enough time for? If so, set a boundary that says that you need a certain day and time off from the family so that you can pursue your passions and hobbies.

Additionally, allow your partner to have the same type of boundaries so that both spouses feel individually fulfilled. 

Emotional Boundaries

Though it may sound counterintuitive, setting emotional boundaries often leads to more emotional connectivity between partners. The reason for this is that it allows the spouses to understand each other in terms of their emotions and needs.

Emotional boundaries in marriages can include how and where to talk about feelings, how to fight, and actions that make you feel unappreciated.

Make sure to express them to your spouse so that they know what they need to respect. Also, allow your spouse to state their emotional limits so you can respect them as well.

Physical Boundaries

When you are living with someone, it is very easy to feel like your personal space, body, and items are infringed upon.

It’s important to set boundaries with your spouse so that they know how to treat you and your things. As far as physical boundaries in marriage are concerned, you can set them relating to alone time, shared spaces, and shared chores.

Setting physical boundaries helps you focus on working together so that both parties feel happy, safe, and comfortable in their home.

Sexual Boundaries

Though this is rarely talked about, sexual assault occurs frequently in marriage.

It is important that you and your spouse still respect each other’s sexual preferences and needs. Have open conversations and be truthful with one another.

Boundaries When Working Together

“I think the best thing to do is to set boundaries and commit to times that you dedicate to work and times that you dedicate to date nights. Is this a work moment? Is this a marriage moment? Is this a family moment? Is this a kid moment? Is this a date moment? It’s one of the harder aspects, but it’s a gift too. The best part is that you grow so much closer together simply by pure math⁴.”

Best-selling author, podcaster, and influencer Jeff Bethke

Creating Boundaries With Your Children

As parents, it can sometimes feel overwhelming to deal with your children. You may feel that you have lost your individuality and control of your home.

If this is the case, it is almost guaranteed that you need to set boundaries with your children. Setting limits with your children will let them know that you are in charge.

“No-Go Zone” Boundaries

These zones are behaviors that you will not tolerate from your children. They can include how they speak to you, how they treat their siblings, going into your bedroom, etc.

It’s important to set these zones so that your children know their behavior boundaries.

Structure-Creating Boundaries

These are ones that create structure in your and your children’s day.

Things like bedtimes and bath times are great ways to create a structured routine that you and your child can depend on. Bedtimes are especially helpful because they will give you and your spouse time to connect.

KIDS’ Boundaries With Their Peers

Discuss then establishing your kid’s limits with their peers.

Work together with your children to establish them. Help them understand their importance and, if broken, the negative outcomes that may arise.

When setting boundaries for your children

Be firm and consistent. Make sure that they know you are being serious. Then, stick to them. If you are not consistent, your child will probably not respect them. 

If your child breaks a boundary, make sure to have proper and fair consequences in place. Let the child know these consequences beforehand and enforce them if you have to. This will teach your child to respect the boundaries. 

Expect your child to break and not respect the boundaries, especially at first. Part of childhood is learning how and where to push the bounds. So, be patient with them, and be ready to enforce consequences.

Healthy limits at work are a must. Find out how to respectfully set them in the next chapter.

Your workplace is one of the most important places to set clear and healthy boundaries.

According to the United States Department of Labor, the average full-time worker works 8.5 hours a day, or 44 hours a week. Since the average American works so much, it is important to set boundaries in your workplace to have a healthier life.

Why You Need Professional Boundaries

Those without good professional boundaries are more likely to experience burnout and feel unfulfilled in their workplace. To prevent this from happening, it is important to set professional limits.

Boundaries in the workplace will prevent you from pushing your physical, emotional, and mental limits. As a result, it protects you from overcommitting, being manipulated, or behaving unethically in the workplace. This will allow you to preserve your energy and be more functional in and out of the workplace.

How to Set Professional Boundaries

To many people, setting professional boundaries is even more difficult than setting ones in their personal lives. People do not want to do anything that would jeopardize their income and career. 

Though setting unreasonable or disrespectful boundaries may cost you your career, setting healthy and reasonable ones are more likely to help you fulfill your professional goals. 

Set boundaries that are conducive to a more productive, happier, and healthier you. Draw the line between a healthy boundary and a controlling boundary. 

Setting up controlling barriers that are inflexible and inconsiderate of other people is likely to get you demoted, fired, or disliked. 

Establish healthy and flexible boundaries that are beneficial to both you and your place of work. Though expressing them may be awkward at first, most employers and partners will not have an issue. 

Creating Professional Boundaries

Reflect on how you feel during the day. Are there any people or actions that make you feel extremely anxious, overwhelmed, or upset? If so, you should probably set boundaries relating to those actions. 

Additionally, consider how much work you have committed to currently. Do you feel overwhelmed by the amount of work you have? Do you feel stressed even when you are at home? If so, you need to set boundaries relating to your job load and work-to-life ratio. 

How to Express Boundaries to Your Boss and Coworkers

You must express the boundaries you think you need to your boss and coworkers. When not expressed clearly and professionally, your coworkers and boss will unknowingly break them.

They are not meant to punish but are instead meant to make relationships healthier and more productive. 

With professional boundaries, it is best to approach your boss and coworkers as though the conversation was a negotiation. Express the problem using assertive language and “I” statements. Then, submit the proposed solution, which in this case is the boundaries.

From there, explore and explicitly list what they entail. Give your boss or coworkers a chance to ask questions and fully understand them. At the same time, ask your boss or coworkers their side of the story.

Do not look at this as a one-sided negotiation. Hear how they look at the situation and gain from their perspective. Be prepared to adjust your boundary to compromise with the other coworker.

Once again, this is a negotiation. So, work with their perspectives so that both parties feel respected. 

What to Do if You Experience Pushback

In most scenarios, your boss or coworker will be willing to work with your boundaries. They are human and understand the pressures of work and life. Unfortunately, there may be instances where your boss or coworkers may not be willing to hear your boundaries. Here’s what to do then:

Reiterate The Boundary And Why It’s Set

Begin by reiterating your boundary and explaining why you need it. Doing this may clarify any misunderstandings about the boundary, which may be the root of the pushback.

If the misunderstanding is resolved, then your boss might not push back anymore. Be sure to listen to the other person’s thoughts and worries as well as express your thoughts and worries.

Look To A Compromise

If all misunderstandings are resolved but you are still experiencing pushback, see if you and the other person can compromise.

Boundaries, especially those in the workplace, are about being flexible so that both parties feel respected and heard. Coming up with a compromise may be a great way to respect your needs while respecting the company or other coworker’s needs.

Do Not Budge

If the other person is still resistant to the boundary and is unwilling to compromise, do not budge.

You are just as important as the other person in the company. So, do not allow another person to bully you out of your boundary.

Respectfully but firmly say that you will not change your boundary unless they are willing to compromise as well. 

Holding Yourself Accountable

The key is to hold yourself accountable to any boundary you set.

To help you stay focused, schedule a check-in with yourself once a week to assess your progress. Or maybe create a tracker to log your achievements.

Finding an accountability buddy to meet with periodically can also increase your chances of success by up to 95%².

Harvard Business Review Digital Articles

Find out in chapter 9 how to create healthy boundaries with yourself.

Boundaries To Set For Yourself

One of the most important relationships you can have during your life is your relationship with yourself.

A boundary with yourself can be more difficult to implement because nothing is holding you accountable. No one will know if you break it.

For this reason, self-boundaries can be some of the most difficult to resist breaking.

Everyone’s boundaries are different, especially those relating to how you treat yourself. Tailor them so that you can be as happy and healthy as possible.

Here are some that you may want to set for yourself:

Health-Related Boundaries

Health boundaries can relate to your physical, emotional, or mental health. You must focus on all three facets of your health to be the best version of yourself possible.

One way that you can commit to your health is by creating a workout schedule or eating healthy.

You can also set health boundaries relating to your care. Whether yours is a bath, skincare regimen, or journaling session, connect to these times of personal care and treat them as though they are a boundary with yourself.

Do not let other people or your laziness cause you to ignore them.

Financial Boundaries

Financial boundaries will be how you hold yourself accountable for achieving your financial goals, saving money, paying your bills, and having extra spending money.

A financial boundary to set with yourself is to stick to your budget. It is super easy to create a budget and then never follow through with it. Instead of letting yourself go willy-nilly with your finances, make a commitment to yourself that you will stick to your budget.

Another financial boundary you can set with yourself is by only buying what you need. This means sticking to your shopping list and having no impulse buys. This can be difficult, but it will save you money.

Limiting how often you eat out is another financial boundary you can set. Eating out is way more expensive than cooking at home. So, set some days in which you are allowed to eat out, and then do not eat out any more than those days.

Social Media Boundaries

Media consumption is increasing by the day. One way to set boundaries with yourself is to limit your social media and media intake.

These may be easy for some people and difficult for others. If you watch a lot of TVs, consider limiting your TV intake to only one or two hours per day. Then, be accountable to yourself to ensure that you do not go over this watch count.

You could even consider taking screens out of your bedroom so that you do not watch TV before bed.

You can also set time limits on social media use. This boundary is easy to implement because smartphones have app time limitations. All you need to do is go into your settings and change the setting for how much screen time you are allowed on each app.

Then, have enough self-control that you do not click “ignore” every time you have reached your maximum app allotment.

Scheduling Boundaries

You can also set boundaries by yourself by creating and sticking to a daily schedule. Daily schedules are a great way to keep you happy and healthy so that your day feels predictable and stress-free.

Although it may be easy to ignore your schedule on days that you are feeling lazy or busy, treat your schedule as a boundary so that you stick to it consistently.

Two of the most important ones are your wake time and sleep time.

Sleep is one of the most important factors for feeling good and staying healthy long-term. One way to commit to your sleep is to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Treat these bedtimes and wake times as boundaries that you should not break frequently.

Common Forms Of Boundary Resistance

Whether it be by another person or yourself, whenever you set a boundary, you can expect to experience resistance at some point.

 It is important to know how to handle these instances of resistance so that you can confidently respect your limits without being rude or disrespectful to the other party. How to handle it:

The first step to dealing with people who resist a boundary is to be prepared.

Know common tactics that people do to resist them to recognize when a person is being disrespectful to your needs.

Here are the most common forms of resistance:

The Controller

One way that people might resist your boundary is by trying to control you or the situation.

This type of person is called the Controller. The Controller might resist your boundary by physically challenging you, changing other people’s opinions of you, or anything else that results in controlling you or the situation.

On occasion, the Controller may become angry and resort to yelling or fighting. This is a very extreme reaction that can be dangerous to your physical health and safety.

If you find yourself in this situation, remove yourself immediately. It is not worth risking your safety for this person. 

The Intimidator

Another way that people resist is by intimidating you. These people are called Intimidators.

The goal of the Intimidator is to intimidate you until you feel as though you are the one being unreasonable and to change your boundary.

This person may gaslight you, argue with you, or do something else to make you feel as though your boundaries are not worth being respected. 

The Guilt Trip

People also resist boundaries by attempting to guilt-trip you.

The goal of the Guilt Trip is to convince you that you are being selfish for setting a boundary. The Guilt Trip is probably the most frequent boundary-resistant tactic. 

Keep In Mind

When you meet these sorts of people, it is important to keep a couple of things in mind so that you stick to your boundary and do not let them bully you from the respect you deserve.

• The angry person is the one with the problem, not you. You are not responsible for their anger, and you should not let their anger cause you to become angry or upset. 
• You do not need to feel guilty for putting your needs and wants on par with someone else. You are just as important as the other person. You deserve respect, and you should not feel guilty for setting boundaries.
• Guilt is just anger and insecurity in disguise. If someone is trying to guilt you, they are probably just angry and manipulative. On the other hand, if you feel guilty for setting limits, you are probably insecure and need to deal with that accordingly. 

What To Do

Be diligent and stay solutions focused on your reactions. Do not let them walk over you. Even if you feel uncomfortable standing up to the person resisting your boundaries, it is important to stand your ground and act accordingly. 

Begin by reiterating your boundary and why it’s in place. This gives the other person the opportunity to ask any questions or better understand your boundary. Sometimes, this first step solves the problem because it alleviates any misunderstandings. 

If the person is continuing to resist your boundaries:

Do Not Give In

Do not give in to the resistor simply out of laziness or convenience. Your boundaries demand to be respected, and you should not let the resistor bully you into forgetting them. 

Do Not Budge

Do not budge, no matter who the resistor is. Stay confident, assertive, and kind. If the resistor is resisting for legitimate concerns, try talking with him or her about those concerns. You all might be able to come to a compromise that is great for both parties. 

You Can Compromise

Boundaries do not have to be inflexible. So, you can compromise to make all parties involved happy. Whenever you set them, expect to experience resistance at some point. 

Expect Ugly Tactics

Expect to see someone use controlling, intimidating, or guilting tactics to bully you from enforcing your boundaries. When you find yourself in this position, reiterate your boundary and try to find a neutral ground, but do not back down. 

Your feelings are just as important as the resistor’s feelings.

How do you know if they are working? Here is a bonus chapter to help you figure that out.

Successful Tracking Methods

Once you set boundaries and get everyone on board, you need to measure their success. Are they working? Are they making your life easier? Are they adding stress to your life?

Depending on the answers to these questions, you may find that your new boundaries are successful or unsuccessful.

Mood Tracking

The success of boundaries is often addressed by looking at your emotions and feelings throughout the day. Tracking your moods, emotions, and feelings will allow you to see how you feel before starting your boundary versus how you feel with the boundary implemented. 

One way that you can track your moods, emotions, and feelings is by using a mood tracker. With your mood tracker, you should write down every night how you felt during the day. 

You can either get a mood tracking app on your phone or put it in a journal and write it down physically. 

Keep Detailed Records

For some of the more measurable boundaries, such as financial boundaries, keep a detailed record of your progress as well.

Whether it be in the form of a bank statement, productivity list on your phone, or journal, make sure that you are tracking your relationship with the boundary.

Journaling

If you are new to setting boundaries, you may want to consider getting a journal purely for recording your thoughts, actions, and feelings. 

In that journal, write down all of your drafting, making, and ideas relating to the boundaries. Then, update the status of your boundary to measure its effectiveness in your life.  

If you are not seeing any progress within a few months, you should go back to your journal and continue drafting boundary ideas. Try to see why the old ones didn’t work and tailor your new limits to make them more successful.

How To Identify A Successful Boundary

Successful boundaries should make you feel more balanced, respected, and happy. 

You know they are successful and helpful in your life when everything goes great until someone breaks the boundary. This tells you that this boundary is healthy in your life and reflects your values, rights, and needs. 

You can measure the success of your boundaries based on how you feel on a day-to-day basis. 

The easiest boundary category to measure is your professional boundaries. If you set boundaries at work because you feel overworked and overwhelmed, you should feel like you have a healthier life-to-work ratio, and you should not feel burnt out.

If you feel much better than you did before, the boundary is successful.

References

1	KATSARIS, M. (2020). Setting Boundaries with Jeff Bethke. War Cry, 140(2), 30–31.
2	How to Set Healthy Boundaries When Starting a New Job. Harvard Business Review Digital Articles, 1–5
3	Klewicki, L. (2017). Healthy boundaries for a healthy life. Catholic Digest, 81(4), 16–18
4	Bauer, C. (2007). Set Boundaries. Personal Excellence, 12(2), 4